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-
- Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship
- Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new
- civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before...
-
- then something indeterminate flashed past at huge speed...yes..it was
- vax trek part 15....
-
- In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of
- utter emptiness....
- ..and it was pretty quiet as well....
- THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice....
-
- Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship
- Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new
- civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before...
-
- then something indeterminate flashed past at huge speed...yes..it was
- vax trek part 15....
-
- ___-___ o==o======= . . . . . "Shuttle craft to
- =========== ||// Enterprise:..WAIT!!"
- \ \_|//__ <=
- #_______/
-
- "Sulu, it's those 142 red jerseyed guards..
- Give us warp factor 6...NOW!"
-
-
- Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
- ----------------------------------------------
-
- Episode 7
- ---------
-
- [The two guards push Scotty and Sulu into the detention cell]
-
- 1st Guard: "Now you two behave yourself"
-
- 2nd Guard: "Yeah...no funny business"
-
- [They switch on the invisible force barrier and walk off down the
- corridor]
-
- Scotty: "WHAT are we going to do now?!!"
-
- Sulu: "I dunno...we've got big probs....If we don't get out of here
- soon then we'll have no chance of stopping it all happening
- again....and I don't fancy another trip through that black hole."
-
- Spock: [who has just appeared in the corridor] "Your worries are over
- gentlemen"
-
- Scotty: "Spock!..how did you get off the bridge?"
-
- Spock: "I was inside the computer cabinet remember?..Well I heard all
- the commotion on the bridge...so I crawled through one of the
- ventilation ducts...which came out just along the corridor there....
- Incidentally, that duct is alive with tribbles...I thought we had
- eradicated them?"
-
- Scotty: "Aye....I thought I had beamed the whole kit and kaboodle over
- on to that Klingon starship.....but obviously some must have got
- away.........Anyway...can you get us out of here?"
-
- Spock: "Well it's a bit tricky...the force field will only come down
- if I enter the correct combination on the keypad.....Alternatively I
- could take a more brute force approach..." [producing a soldering
- iron, he proceeds to remove the force field control panel and re-wire
- its innards in a reasonably destructive manner..]
-
- Sulu: "Hurry Mr.Spock...I don't think we have much time..."
-
- Spock: "Almost there.......almost there...just one more b"
- [At that moment Spock suddenly dematerialises, with a bemused look on
- his face]
-
- Sulu: "Damn!....we're going to be too late!.....and the force field is
- still up..."
-
- [Scotty charges at the force barrier.....and BOINNNNNGGGG!..bounces
- off and hits the far wall of the cell...]
-
- Scotty: [Looking a bit dazed] "....it's no use...well never get ou..."
-
- [At that moment there is a huge explosion from the force field control
- panel which showers bits of invisible force barrier all over the cell
- and adjoining corridor...]
-
- Sulu: [spitting out fragments of force field] "wow!...I've never seen
- an invisible force barrier explode like THAT!...."
-
- Scotty: "Pretty impressive I must say....and eminently conceptual.."
-
- Sulu: "Anyway..let's go!....I want to stop off at my cabin round the
- corner first though..."
-
- Scotty: "Eh? .."
-
- [Sulu dashes into his cabin and emerges holding a bottle of vegetable
- oil and a fencing sword...]
-
- Scotty: "Ah!...I see...."
-
- [As they charge down the corridor Sulu discards his jersey and empties
- the contents of the bottle over himself......Two guards coming round
- the corner are so startled that the starfleet insignia drop off their
- jerseys in sheer surprise....and by mere reflex action their phasers
- are flicked to 'kill' and two lethal bolts are unleashed after the
- rapidly departing Sulu and Scotty...]
-
- Scotty: "..In the name o' the wee man!...that was CLOSE!"
-
- Sulu: "Too right!...keep running!"
-
- Scotty: "Wait a minute..!!...we passed that same corridor just a
- minute ago!..We must be going round in circles..."
-
- Sulu: "...Don't worry....I think it has something to do with the
- budget for the film set..."
-
- Scotty: "Ah!..ok..."
-
- Sulu: "There's the turbolift door up ahead!.."
-
- [They jump into the lift...]
-
- Scotty: "Bridge"
-
- Lift: "Bridge what?"
-
- Scotty: "Please!"
-
- Lift: "That's better....Now a few manners don't hurt do they?"
-
- Scotty: "Grrr...I wish these lifts came under my jurisdiction in the
- Engineering section...I'd soon FIX them..."
-
- Lift: "I heard that..."
-
- Sulu: "Are we at the Bridge level yet?"
-
- Lift: "Yes...You can get off now...and good riddance.."
-
- [The turbolift doors open and Scotty and Sulu step on to the Bridge]
-
- "SURPRISE!!!!!!": shouts everyone on the Bridge.
-
- Jim: [..wearing a party hat, steps forward and hands a present to Sulu
- and Scotty..] "Happy birthday!.."
-
- Scotty: "Why, you rotten..." [the grim look on his face slowly turning into
- a smile..]
-
- Jim: "Sorry about all the hassle we put you both through...but the only
- way we could keep you off the bridge while we prepared everything was to
- lock you up..."
-
- Sulu: "What about those aliens?...and how did you know Scotty and I had the
- same birthday?"
-
- Jim: "questions questions!!....come and enjoy the party...it IS for you
- after all....here, have a sausage roll....but PLEASE..put that sword away
- first!"
-
- [They all laugh jovially....and the party goes on into the night...which is
- a bit of a strange thing to say considering the ship is in deep space where
- day and night have no meaning...but I think you know what I mean..]
-
- *****A NEW ADVENTURE STARTS SOON!!! *****
- What were Scotty and Sulu's presents? What happened to the strange
- globular aliens?...How did Jim know that Scotty and Sulu had the same
- birthday?..DO they actually have the same birthday?..or was it just a
- cheap attempt at a coherent ending to a floundering episode?
-
- All these questions...and many more.. won't be answered in the next thrilling
- installment....
-
- ******************************************************************************
- Credits:
- Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
- Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty
- Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
- Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
- And thanks especially to our wonderful
- system security manager who has kindly
- overlooked this particular breach.
- Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
- CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
- undying support for the author through his most
- troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
- for the psychiatric help.
-
- FREEEEEEEE!!! Spock Pinup picture!!! Cut out and display on full 80 column
- screen or printer!!!
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "/"/"/////"/"/"/-""/"/""""/?OS@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#$O=/-;'-;;;;;;;-;"/+===+//"""
- ;;-;;-;---;-;;;-;---"-""??O8@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@8I"-;:;':'''''';-/+==?/""-"-
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- ''''''''''''''-/N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@8O";;;;;;;;;;;;;;;--
- :'''''''''''"I@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@8+";;;;;;;;;-----
- '''''''''''"O@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@O*";;';;;;;-----
- ''''''''''-O@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#O?";;----""""
- ''''''''-=@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@S/"-//??/"""
- ;'''''''$@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@S=/????/"--
- ;'''''-I@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@NX+???/""--
- '''''-X@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#X=??//"""
- '''''?N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@UI??/""""
- ''''/S@@@@@$*IIO8#ON@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@$N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@S?"-----
- ''''/$@@@@#S*I$$88OON@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@NON@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@$="-----
- ::::/#@@NOZ@@@@@@$N8SOSN#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@##N@@@@@NN@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@**";--
- ::::"$@@S*#@@@@@@@@@8OOSSN$@@@###@@@@##@$O$NNN@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*";--
- ::::/#@@OS@@@@@@@@@@@@@8OO=IOON$$8N@N$#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@S?'';
- ::::=@@@8$@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@N$8$S###$8@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@NI;''
- ::::O@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*;''
- :::-N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@O-''
- ::'+@@@@@@#O/=8@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@8/;'
- ::'*@@@@@@NO/;-*?O=="OX@#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@N+;;
- :::S@@@@@@NO"'...::..:::.:.../;==8I$I=/OINO@*X=N8@N@####N#####@@@@@@@@@@@@@@S?"
- ::"O@@@@@@N*-'..........:....:.:.;'''::'';'"";;-""+/OXNN#N#####@@@@@@@@@@@@@8?-
- :-8@@@@@@@8?:;ISI':.....:...............'..'';-"-;""/=O8N@@@@##@@@@@@@@@@@@@X";
- :-$@##@@@@S-:'"S$*I;;:'.........:.:...':::';;-';--/?*X$#@@@@@#N@@@@@@@@@@@@@O=-
- ::O@N$@@@#?..'-"-OO@N$NSS?/......'...::':'':--=IO$@@@@@@@@@#$###@@@@@@@@@@@@@@O
- ::I@@N@@@$-:;---""==$@@@$8O//;"....''.::'':=**NN@@@@@@@@@@##8N##@@@@@@@@@@@@@@$
- ::'IN##@@X:.;?+?/++OSN#@@@@@@@S-:..'..-?OSNN@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@NO$##@@@@@@@@@@@@@N
- ;'..."S@N?.:;-?SN@@@@@@@@@@SS.... ..:-O@@#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#NS8#@@@@@@@@@@@@@#*
- I@$"..';+#@@O+@@@@@@@S" .... . "8@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#8S$@@@@@@@@@@@@@$?
- :::/S@#@#I..-/=+I$$@@@@@@@@@@$=.....''?ON##@@@@@@@@@@@@@#@@@#8O##@@@@@@@@@@@@@$
- -+/ -'?N8; .:;+;::?==XX*+;; .... ..:"$@@@@@@@@@O?I@8ON@@@@#N$OX$@@@@@@@@@@@$-
- :;"+="/8X ..''...''";/'""; "O@@@@@@@S*?IOOOON@@@@@#NS*O@@@@@@@@@@#I..
- ..;;'?I$? ...... ..'; -- .......'/O@@@@@@@?';-"/=**SO$SS8##$OX$@@@@@@@#"::'
- ..';::?N+ ..... ..'';-; ........::+$@@@@@@@I:'-"/=**SO$SS8##$OX$@@@@@@@#"::'
- ..'-'+$* . . ..';"-; ...... :/S######@@@='.'-"-"?+IIO8N#8OO8@@@@NN8=;::''
- ..'-';-*S . . ';-' .... '+8#NN####@@O".:--"/??IIS$N#8OO$@@@@8$O?-'''
- ..';::-'I?... .....''' .... :?8@##NNNN@@NX-;;;;;-+*OO8NN@@@@@@@N8S+/"-''
- .;;:"I;++::: ....'.:: .... :"S@@#N$N#@@#S/;''';"+*S8$N$@@@@@@@@#NO"?/-;
- .'; '"-'";''' :...... ...... .-O#@@NN8N@@@8+;;-'/X8888$N$@@@@@@@@#O?;;'''
- .'' .:;.';'.'':...... ..... .;XN@@@#N#@@@$I"--"*888$8$N$@@@@@@@@#O-::'::
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- .::'...;:'':::'...... ... *@@=;'?"S#@@@#N@@@@@@#O*I*S8$NNNNNN@@@@@@@@N?...:::
- .. :;'...;-':::.......... . .-/?;*#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@N$8#NN@#NNNN@@@@@@@@I..:::::
- .. :'-.:+S=':::....... .. . .::':'/@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@$N#N#N#NNN@@@@@@@X; .:::::
- :'+';-;'':... .. ..:-=O@@@@@#N#@@@#N$$$$8$8$$$$$ON##O" ......
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- .............. ..';;;;;"?++/++I===I=XXOXXXSO$$#NN@@@@@@@@@@@@@##@#@@@8" .:I@$OO
- .. '?;''''''+8N8#$#N#N@N#$NN###N#@@@@@@@@@###@@@@@@@@@@@@O=''+XOO
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- ....:.:::';-O$I-Z/8@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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- ++??+?/+N@@O/"/????*N@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
- --
-
- Q: How many socialists does it take to screw in a proletariat lightbulb?
- A: None, a proletariat lightbulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.
-
- Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Two, one to put in the new bulb and one to eat the old one.
-
- Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: Just two, but I don't know how they got in there.
-
- Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Sorry, they can't remove the old one as it's already part of the
- environment.
-
- Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: None of your fucking business!
-
- Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Three, one to change the bulb and two to experience it.
-
- Q: How many alumni does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Ten, one to change it and nine to talk about how nice the old one was.
-
- Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
-
- Q: How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Into what?
-
- Q: How many jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: "Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark."
-
- Q: How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: One, he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
-
- Q: How many fundamentalist christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: 37.
-
-
- Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
- the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
- these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
-
- God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.
-
- "Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
-
- "I tried to improve the US economy", replied Reagan, "and I did my best to
- benefit the nation."
-
- "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."
-
- And so Reagan sat at his right.
-
- God then called up Gorbachev.
-
- "Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
-
- "I tried to make Soviet society more open", replied Gorbachev, "and I did
- my best to improve the Soviet economy."
-
- "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."
-
- And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
-
- God then called up Thatcher.
-
- "Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"
-
- "Only two things", replied Thatcher.
- "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"
-
-
- Anyway here's my starter-for-ten. (to the tune of the Beatles yesterday')
-
- Leprosy,
- I'm not half the man I used to be,
- Little pieces keep falling off of me,
-
- And my finger ends keep leaving me,
-
- Oh I believe I've leprosy
-
-
- Syphilis,
- Why the f*cking hell did I get this,
- And it hurts like hell whenever I piss,
- Oh I believe in Syphilis
-
- t5a%(mehrar)_63 >>
-